anothersunshine.com

I went out last night with Jake, Josh and Sunshine… it was fun– I have to say that. I love going out with friends (no doubt) but I feel out of place sometimes. I’ll get to why later. Anyway, we saw Horton Hears a Who which is a fantastic movie! It’s funny and oh so cuuute! I love Katie, that litlle orange I’m-not-so-sure-what-she-is odd furball. I loved the scene where she was describing her lil speck world and she mentions about ponies and rainbows and pooping butterflies and later made this crazy look as she backed into the bushes. She’s so cute and strange, that’s why I love her.

Found the clip:

We went to dinner afterward where I had a delicious rice meal and strawberry lemonade. MmMM! So we were eating and talking and then they started talking about being different and diversity and all that and I know exactly what they mean but it is not the same when you’re the one who’s different - when you’re that foreign kid. Hm, maybe not just being the foreign kid but being the odd one out. Like when I used to hang out with Stef and her friends. They obviously felt more comfortable talking in Indonesian which would cause me to not follow their conversations. They’ll translate for me whenever that happens, but it’s not the same as hearing and knowing what’s going on while it is happening. I had a lot of good fun moments with them though and I was really glad that they were being my friends. Sad that we lost contact because I forgot to save Stef’s number when I changed phones and I know a couple went back to Indonesia after they graduated. Plus, Stef’s maybe super busy with work right now or went to live with her brother in Florida. Oh well, it was good while it lasted. =)

So yeah, Jake, Josh and Sunshine were talking about befriending people of different ancestry, not being judgmental and the usual “we are all alike inside” talk… but my mind just started to wander off. It’s not exactly off topic but I had my own thoughts about it which mainly centered around me. How I’m sitting there with three white guys, and I’m not even sure if it’s polite to refer to them as white. I hear it all the time though that’s why I’m using it. But anyway, so I’m there, the odd one out again. Alright, I know it’s not uncommon because Seattle is pretty diverse… but like I said.. it feels different when you are the different one. I’m not complaining or anything, it’s just that it makes me feel out of place sometimes. I know that it is something within my control, to not feel that way. I understand that everybody is the same. But there are other things to consider which I only “fully” realized after moving here.

There is culture. Although the Philippines is a lot westernized and I can say I’m not strictly traditional, there still are things that I need to work on.. like consider how different, or how similar things are between my now 2 new worlds. HAHA… that sounds funny. I do live in 2 worlds don’t I? But yes, I have to mature in only one. I have to be the one to adjust here in the States and not the people to me. I am in their country so I need to be the one shaping myself to fit in.

Another is language. Although hanging out with people who speak English is a ton easier from when I hung out with Stef and her friends… I still get problems. Sometimes I keep myself from talking because I know I mispronounce words and there are times I panic and can’t form my sentences right even though my brain knows it very well. And grammar. Jeesh… growing up in the Philippines and having this mindset that people will laugh at and mock you if you don’t use the proper grammar is not helpful at all!!! Well, I guess it is because it pushes you to be better, but it also makes you very insecure. I don’t think Jake laughs at me, or anyone for that matter, but I can’t help thinking it. Plus, the feeling of not being able to express what I really want or feel is frustrating. I end up stuttering or resort to cutting my sentences short. But I comfort myself thinking that there are things that even in Tagalog, I probably would end up explaining to someone just as bad. Hah! And I mess up talking in my mother tongue and no one seems to mind, not too much. So… it’s okay to mess up my English too.. right? Hehe!